Another time, on my mission I had a problem of just wanting to help everyone fit in. The Elders ended up at our house frequently during the dinner hour because they didn't want to go all the way home if they would be working in the area close to where we lived anyways. They were never allowed in our apartment so we all would sit in the stairwell, and share dinner and enjoy each others company. There was 4 Americans (3 sisters and 1 Elder) and 1 Venezuelan Elder. Of course the other 3 enjoyed speaking in English. I felt bad about this one Elder. I think he understood a lot of English but was embarrassed to speak it. I would be the one and only one trying to keep the conversation in Spanish so that this Elder would feel included. After several weeks of this going on, this Venezuelan Elder sends me a love note, confessing his undying love for me. I was really thrown off by this. I sent him a letter back explaining that all my attempts at encouraging Spanish had nothing to do with any romantic feelings. I did this so that he would feel included in the conversation. Nothing happened further with this, but he probably was thinking that I was sending him signals saying that I was interested.
Another example of me being the instigator was with my husband. By the 3rd date I was plotting to meet his family, I set him up to kiss me several times, I was asking him on dates, etc. It was so unlike me. As discussed in our textbook "Marriage and Family, The Quest for Intimacy" (page 114) it talks about how naturally in our society, us women expect the boys to initiate any communication and set up dates. Even now I expect my husband to line up any and all dates. I need to be better at planning fun dates and not leaving it all up to him. (When I leave it up to him, we don't go on very many dates) I guess the point of the these stories is that in the boy from college and my husband I was a major instigator, which I usually am not and is against the norm. And the Elder from my mission, thought I was instigating something that was farthest from my mind.
Reading in the textbook Marriage and Family The Quest for Intimacy it says, "Attractive persons are more self-accepting, and self-acceptance enhances attractiveness. The more we see ourselves as attractive, the more self-esteem we have at all ages." (page 110) This reminded me of the child's book "You are Special" by Max Lucado. "You are Special" book reading In this story, the wemmicks going around the city giving stars to those that could do great things. And dots to those who couldn't do anything. Punchinello was one branded with lots of dots. He was starting to really feel bad about himself. Then he met Lucia who didn't have stars or dots. He wondered why. She said that she went to see Eli every day. Punchinello decided to go see him to. Eli was the man who had carved all these wooden people. On his first visit to Elli, Elli tells him that he doesn't care what the other wemmicks think of him. Eli said, "What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special....You are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes." I love this book. I think that we all need to try to have more positive thoughts about ourselves. If we all saw ourselves better, we would have higher self-esteem. I also like to think of Eli as Heavenly Father. He would tell us the same thing. "You are special. And I don't make mistakes."
I remember my first date. It kind of came as a surprise. This boy was more my sisters friend then he was mine. When he called, I got off the phone and said, "Mom, this guy is trying to ask me out, what do I do?" She said, "Say yes, of course!" I went on this date with all these different dating etiquettes on my brain. My Mom had told me that I should let him order first so that I could see what price range to order in. I was going to do this until he told me to order first. I was all in a dither. I really just wanted some ice-cream but was so nervous I couldn't find it on the menu. I ended up ordering a 3 layer Oreo cake. It was so disgusting. I choked down 2 layers and just couldn't get the third layer down. My date was making fun of me the whole time and rubbing in the fact that I didn't eat the whole cake. When I got home, told my mom the story, she wondered if the cake had been cooked with Brandy. All in all it was an interesting date.
I had an institute teacher in college that said that if you touched the elbow of the one that you liked 3 times in a week, they would ask you out. I don't know if it got us any more dates. But I was on Institute council, and we had to do a Institute push in a local seminary. We did a presentation every hour in the seminary building. We told them this. It was funny, by the time we got to the last hour everyone had heard about our challenge to touch someone's elbow 3 times. I guess that we had really started an elbow touching frenzy and they were all doing it. In fact we didn't even have to teach the last hour that, they already knew because they had already been touched.
It is so important as we are looking for our eternal companion that we are in tune with the spirit. I also think it is important to listen to the counsel of our parents, even though at that age it is hard to do. We need to listen to the red flags others might see in our relationships. And if, at any point that we know we shouldn't marry that person, even if it is 10 minutes before the ceremony, we need to heed that prompting. It may save us years of grief and heartache. As a couple it is important to also follow the counsel of our leaders through the engagement period. It is so important to set healthy boundaries and rules. As soon as you get engaged the adversary works so much harder on you. One thing that I liked in my courtship, is that we went to the temple weekly. This added a spiritual side to our relationship. It made it easier to receive revelations for our relationship and upcoming wedding.
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