The Grapefruit Syndrome
Brother Goddard recounted a story by Elder Joe J. Christensen about a newly married couple. The wife had heard that it is good in a marriage to share with each other things that annoyed one another, so that you could work past them. She set up a time with her husband to have this session. She quickly rattled off 5 things that bugged her, including the way he ate his grapefruit. (He peeled them like an orange, unlike most people.) Then she told him that it was his turn. He told her that there wasn't anything that bothered him. If we are always looking for the bad in your spouse you will find it. We can have a better relationship if we switch our criticism to appreciation. How do you eat your grapefruit? And does it really matter?
(Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills: Joymap Publishing, 2009. 76-77. Print.)
Elder Goddard goes on to say, "Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires."
This reminds me of a few years ago. My husband and I were in a very informal marriage class with Aunt and a few of her kids. We took turns teaching the lesson from various marriage books. It was our turn to teach on this very subject. My husband made a great visual for each of them to hang somewhere to remind them to praise instead of criticize. This is a good reminder as it hangs on our fridge that we need to say nice things about each other and to each other. This also reminds me of an interview I had with my Mission President. I have probably mentioned this often, but it was good advice. He said to tell my companion I love you because.... and giver her a reason every day. I should make this a good practice so that when I was married and had children that I could do the same to them each day. If we are doing this, then if forces us to see the good in those around us instead of looking for the bad. A few years ago I went to Time Out For Woman. Hillary Weeks came as a guest speaker. She had heard somewhere that we have so many negative thoughts a week. She decided to see if this was true. She got herself a little clicker to keep track of all the bad thoughts. She did it for a week and it was a horrible week. She was so negative and nasty all week. By the end of the week she didn't feel good. Then she thought about what she had been doing all week. She had been keeping track of all the bad thoughts. So the next week she decided to do something different. She would count all of her good thoughts. Immediately she noticed a difference in her life. While she was referring to thoughts and not our relationships with our spouse, the same is true. If we only can see the bad, then we will find it, and they will blow up bigger and bigger. If we seek to find the good in one another then our love will grow and flourish.
Another quote from Brother Goddard that I really liked this week is, "To bury our weapons of war yet continue to rebroadcast a 'wide-screen' version of old battles and old wounds, complete with 'instant replay,' 'slow-motion' and our own exaggerated form of 'special effects,' undermines the process of healing and the prospects for growth-for both spouses." (page 80)
And still another quote, "the enlarging of the soul requires not only some remodeling, but some excavating. Hypocrisy, guile, and other imbedded traits do not go gladly or easily. Yet that excavating is not painful when we see the glorious purposes behind it."
(Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills: Joymap Publishing, 2009.80.print)
Elder Goddard goes on to say, "Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires."
This reminds me of a few years ago. My husband and I were in a very informal marriage class with Aunt and a few of her kids. We took turns teaching the lesson from various marriage books. It was our turn to teach on this very subject. My husband made a great visual for each of them to hang somewhere to remind them to praise instead of criticize. This is a good reminder as it hangs on our fridge that we need to say nice things about each other and to each other. This also reminds me of an interview I had with my Mission President. I have probably mentioned this often, but it was good advice. He said to tell my companion I love you because.... and giver her a reason every day. I should make this a good practice so that when I was married and had children that I could do the same to them each day. If we are doing this, then if forces us to see the good in those around us instead of looking for the bad. A few years ago I went to Time Out For Woman. Hillary Weeks came as a guest speaker. She had heard somewhere that we have so many negative thoughts a week. She decided to see if this was true. She got herself a little clicker to keep track of all the bad thoughts. She did it for a week and it was a horrible week. She was so negative and nasty all week. By the end of the week she didn't feel good. Then she thought about what she had been doing all week. She had been keeping track of all the bad thoughts. So the next week she decided to do something different. She would count all of her good thoughts. Immediately she noticed a difference in her life. While she was referring to thoughts and not our relationships with our spouse, the same is true. If we only can see the bad, then we will find it, and they will blow up bigger and bigger. If we seek to find the good in one another then our love will grow and flourish.Another quote from Brother Goddard that I really liked this week is, "To bury our weapons of war yet continue to rebroadcast a 'wide-screen' version of old battles and old wounds, complete with 'instant replay,' 'slow-motion' and our own exaggerated form of 'special effects,' undermines the process of healing and the prospects for growth-for both spouses." (page 80)
And still another quote, "the enlarging of the soul requires not only some remodeling, but some excavating. Hypocrisy, guile, and other imbedded traits do not go gladly or easily. Yet that excavating is not painful when we see the glorious purposes behind it."
(Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills: Joymap Publishing, 2009.80.print)
Quotes for the day
(just in case there wasn't enough already)
"Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice"
and
"A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers."
These are all great quotes by Brother Goddard. These are things to remember throughout our marriages. I was able to share this blog entry with my sister. And my husband and I talked about how to keep pride out our own marriage.
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